Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")

Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Certainly, sure, let us have One more position the place American Males can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is gentle power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Capabilities

Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"

The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% said "where by's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting interest from international traders, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll obtain three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also incorporate:

A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD may have change-down support."

Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten Trump Tower Damascus concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."